WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Company makes full time jobs of unsubscribing for clients

DAVISTON, OR – Maybe you’ve attempted to clear out your email inbox by unsubscribing from the countless senders who bombard you with useless messages.

And maybe you’ve tried solving Fermat’s Last Theorem or licking your elbow.

Power users with greater skills than you have failed at making a dent in unsubscribing. So why would you think you could do any better?

The average email user has 3.6 million subscriptions to mailing lists – promotions, urgent notices, pleas for support, newsletters, band gig announcements, and all manner of blinking lights that demand your attention. This is more than could ever be processed by any human in the course of typical work days.

OptOutTemps solves this problem by assigning specialized teams of agents to go through your inbox 24 hours a day, indefinitely, to undertake the laborious process of unsubscribing from all the emails you no longer want.

“For anyone who has had an email address for more than ten years, that amounts to 98.7% of all the mail you receive,” said Brittain Dasch, founder and CEO of OptOutTemps. “It’s not just spam. It’s things you signed up for, even indirectly through affiliates. If you tried to remove them all yourself, it would take 112 years. We did the math.”

Opting out is a hot new career for students, shut-ins, retirees, unemployed workers, domestic and international freelancers, and recent parolees.

“I make my own hours,” said unsubscriber Todd Hickson. “Get up around ten, log in and start going through the process.” Employees access a secondary inbox where the client has sent unwanted emails. They then follow the links and complete the series of steps that will usually remove the recipient’s email address from the sender’s list.

“I’ve been on this client’s inbox for a couple weeks, working anywhere from eight to ten hours a day,” said Hickson. “There’s six of us on the team, and we expect to be done by the end of the month.”

Clients who can afford the service typically enjoy a 20% reduction in the amount of unwanted emails they receive.

“You can’t get ’em all,” noted Hickson, who explained that despite explicit requests to unsubscribe, most companies just keep on sending whatever they were sending already.


Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Opinion: There Was A Time You Could Remove The Paper From A Drinking Straw With Just A Jab On The Table

Opinion: There Was A Time You Could Remove The Paper From A Drinking Straw With Just A Jab On The Table

OPINION BY HENRY L. OGLETHORPE – You younger folks won’t believe me, but when I was your age, the paper

Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO

Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO

AMALTHEA, SC – Local residents sighted an unidentified flying object (UFO) making repeated passes around the Piggly Wiggly parking lot

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top