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Companies Scrambling To Get In On Data Breach

Elite hackers use elaborate cyber code like this to steal bank accounts, format web pages

LANSING, MI – Corporate leaders around the country are falling over themselves to take part in the latest massive breach of confidential consumer data.

“There are millions of secure records out there just wafting off into the wind, and we’re missing it,” said Amitto CEO Vaughn Gortensen. Financial giant Amitto has so far avoided any major infringement of its customers’ records, “But that time is coming soon,” said Gortensen.

All your “secure” data is going through yellow tubes like this.

Executives increasingly view data breaches as a signal that they are major players in their respective industries. “Nobody takes you seriously until some hackers have slipped in and nabbed your entire database,” said Gortensen. “Then you get a ton of lawsuits, but it’s cool. Only costs a few million in fines usually, but consider what you’d pay for that publicity.”

The president of a large medical records company expressed similar sentiments, adding that they would never openly encourage hackers to come after them, as that would be “totally illegal and unethical,” in her words.

“They won’t get past our two-factor authentication,” said the unidentified president, speaking in front of Hospitala headquarters. “It would require them to have that unencrypted spreadsheet of credentials that’s been floating around the internet. The zip file with ‘HospitalaHack’ in the title. We’re just terrified someone will find that and use fields 4 and 7 on our hidden login page to reset the password and have it sent to whatever address they provide.”

Such a person would have unencumbered access to the entire company’s records, and by extension, their customers’ records.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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