WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Comet orbits prone to hyperbole

KUIPER CITY – Every single comet that has ever been observed from Earth travels on a path that starts a kabillion miles away and passes by the sun under pressures that would crush a tank.

“They pass within three feet of the sun’s surface. Any infant knows this,” said cometologist Bud Tasling of IFSOHO, the Institute for the Study of Objects with Hyperbolic Orbits. “You could be sixteen miles underground and feel the tug of those G-forces going by.”

Others at the institute echo Tasling’s sentiment, adding that comets are cold enough to unfry bacon and faster than body odor in an elevator.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

One Response

  1. Anonymous

    don’t even need to read the article. title very funny. -Chuck

T. Rex tastes like chicken

T. Rex tastes like chicken

CACCIATORE, ITALY – Scientists have analyzed proteins extracted from dinosaur bones, establishing the strongest link yet of their kinship to

H.R. the Musical breaks attendance records

H.R. the Musical breaks attendance records

CANTON, OH – Little-known outside corporate circles, the touring production of H.R. The Musical is breaking attendance records in event

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top