WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in SPACE

Aliens learn to camouflage their ships as lens flares
ASTROBIOLOGY

Aliens learn to camouflage their ships as lens flares

February 26, 2018

MUNCIE, IN – Extraterrestrials traveling to Earth have refined methods to evade detection, including one that allows them to hide

Read More »
Newly discovered molten planet named Psoriasis
ASTRONOMY

Newly discovered molten planet named Psoriasis

January 2, 2017

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the Mauna Kea Observatory have discovered a new, scaly, inflamed planet far from our Solar

Read More »
Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors
ASTRONOMY

Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors

June 15, 2015

TAMPA, FL – Reflecting modern technology, sensibilities and brands, the Global Panel on Commerce and Constellation Naming (GPCCN) has passed

Read More »
Philae Comet lander wakes up, hits snooze
SPACE

Philae Comet lander wakes up, hits snooze

June 15, 2015

CHURYUMOV-GERASIMENKO, SPACE – Philae, the first spacecraft to ever land on a comet, has awakened after landing 7 months ago

Read More »
Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO
ASTROBIOLOGY

Extraterrestrial rednecks antagonize locals with Monster UFO

April 29, 2015

AMALTHEA, SC – Local residents sighted an unidentified flying object (UFO) making repeated passes around the Piggly Wiggly parking lot

Read More »
SPOILER: Picture of Star Wars VII character “Bantha Claus” leaked
ASTROBIOLOGY

SPOILER: Picture of Star Wars VII character “Bantha Claus” leaked

April 29, 2015

JAKKU – Fans of the Star Wars franchise tingled with excitement at the leaking of this image, a Tusken Raider

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Vacant strip mall spotted on Mars
BUSINESS

Vacant strip mall spotted on Mars

April 28, 2015

MARS – NASA has discovered an abandoned strip mall on the surface of the red planet. The dilapidated shopping center

Read More »
Inhabitants of distant planets still not ready for digital TV conversion
ASTROBIOLOGY

Inhabitants of distant planets still not ready for digital TV conversion

December 30, 2014

BETA PICTORIS – Alien life forms on planets outside our solar system are still unprepared for the switchover from analog

Read More »
New images reveal Horsehead Nebula is actually Moosehead Nebula
ASTRONOMY

New images reveal Horsehead Nebula is actually Moosehead Nebula

May 2, 2013

ONTARIO – High-resolution images in the infrared spectrum from the James Webb Space Telescope show greater detail than ever before

Read More »
World record bungee jumper plunges 402 km
SPACE

World record bungee jumper plunges 402 km

May 2, 2013

LOW EARTH ORBIT – Not to be outdone by Felix Baumgartner’s record-setting supersonic freefall from 39 kilometers in the stratosphere

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Speed Checkers saves valuable leisure time
ENTERTAINMENT

Speed Checkers saves valuable leisure time

Mulligan Stewart November 13, 2008

MANSFIELD, OH – Blammo Games, Inc. introduced its newest product today, Speed Checkers. “It’s like regular checkers, but with a

Neighbor has new HDTV, apparently watches only C-SPAN
ENTERTAINMENT

Neighbor has new HDTV, apparently watches only C-SPAN

Mulligan Stewart January 12, 2008

MARLANNISVILLE – That guy across the street recently purchased an LCD or plasma TV, according to sources next door. However,

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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