WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in ENVIRONMENT

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article
BREAKINGNEWS

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

May 10, 2019

NEW YORK, NY – A lengthy article published today promised an explosive revelation that pertains to millions of readers. But

Read More »
Secret Reptilian Government: Sorry About All This
CLIMATE

Secret Reptilian Government: Sorry About All This

April 21, 2018

WASHINGTON, DC – The extraterrestrial reptilian society that is secretly controlling all world governments from behind the scenes has issued

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Bet you thought this was going somewhere
CLICKBAIT

Bet you thought this was going somewhere

February 26, 2018

LOVELAND, CO – When a post on a prestigious news blog began with a striking sideways image of a roadside

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New method of mosquito control uses video games to distract males from mating
ENVIRONMENT

New method of mosquito control uses video games to distract males from mating

December 30, 2016

HISTAMINA, LA – Entomologists from Standing Water University have developed an effective way to combat mosquito populations by simply providing

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Scavenger Lobby protests declining quality, volume of scraps
CONSUMER

Scavenger Lobby protests declining quality, volume of scraps

February 3, 2016

WASHINGTON, DC – A coalition of squirrels, rats, raccoons, pigeons and other scavengers testified before Congress this week to bring

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Asbest-O’s Flame-Resistant Cereal recalled over safety concerns
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Asbest-O’s Flame-Resistant Cereal recalled over safety concerns

May 30, 2015

AVONDALE – Makers of Asbest-O’s Flame-Resistant Cereal are pulling the product from shelves this week amid accusations that they did

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Oil company just going to start dumping crude directly into ocean
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Oil company just going to start dumping crude directly into ocean

May 28, 2015

ATLANTIC OCEAN – An oil company based in the Cayman Islands will soon resort to simply pouring excess crude oil

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Volcano Council reminds users to replenish vinegar and baking soda every 30 days
EDUCATION

Volcano Council reminds users to replenish vinegar and baking soda every 30 days

April 15, 2014

MEDFORD, OR – The Volcano Council has issued new recommendations for volcano operators, specifying 30 days as the interval for

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Yosemite’s Half Dome restored to Three-Quarter Dome
BUSINESS

Yosemite’s Half Dome restored to Three-Quarter Dome

May 13, 2013

MARIPOSA COUNTY, CA – The world-famous rock formation in Yosemite National Park known as Half Dome is nearing completion on

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Passive Solar Energy system approaches 99% efficiency
ENERGY

Passive Solar Energy system approaches 99% efficiency

May 1, 2013

BOULDER, CO – Solar energy researchers are closing in on a form of solar energy production that surpasses every other

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Russian race horse loose in asparagus patch
BREAKINGNEWS

Russian race horse loose in asparagus patch

Mulligan Stewart March 11, 2008

Whistleblower reveals that 75% of nautical terms made up on the spot
CULTURE

Whistleblower reveals that 75% of nautical terms made up on the spot

Mulligan Stewart April 29, 2015

PAPEETE – A former sailor has broken the code of silence among his peers by disclosing that most of the

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Instagram post 2123548466559612403_10617623562 REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
Instagram post 1967839167778882990_10617623562 DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
Instagram post 1967827042012318708_10617623562 SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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Oil company just going to start dumping crude directly into ocean
Undecided voter starves to death at deli counter
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Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler
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  • Anti-evolution decal depicts natural selection
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  • Cruton, the fold-out couch made from stale bread
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