WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
The Post News Times
  • ARTS
    • CULTURE
    • DESIGN
      • ARCHITECTURE
      • CRAFTS
    • ENTERTAINMENT
    • FASHION
      • FOOTWEAR
    • MUSIC
  • MONEY
    • BUSINESS
      • CONSUMER
      • MARKETING
      • OFFICE
      • PRODUCTIVITY
    • LEGAL
    • MEDIA
      • JOURNALISM
      • SOCIAL MEDIA
    • MILITARY
  • LIFE
    • ANIMALS
      • CATS
      • DOGS
      • EQUINE INTEREST
    • EDUCATION
    • FOOD
      • DINING
    • GARDEN
      • TREE CARE
    • HEALTH
      • EYECARE
      • FEAR
      • GROOMING
      • SAFETY
    • HISTORY
    • LIVING
      • GAMES
      • LITERATURE
      • PHILOSOPHY
      • TRAVEL
    • TEENS
  • METRO
    • CRIME
    • TRAFFIC
    • WEATHER
  • OPINION
    • EDITORIAL
    • CONSPIRACY
  • POLITICS
    • ESPIONAGE
  • SCITECH
    • ENERGY
    • ENVIRONMENT
    • MATH
    • SCIENCE
      • ARCHAEOLOGY
      • ASTRONOMY
        • ASTROBIOLOGY
      • CLIMATE
      • EVOLUTION
      • GEOGRAPHY
      • GEOLOGY
      • MARITIME
      • NUCLEAR
      • PALEONTOLOGY
      • PARANORMAL
        • CRYPTOZOOLOGY
        • TIMETRAVEL
    • SPACE
    • TECH
  • SPORTS
  • MORE
    • ABOUT
    • AUTO
    • CARTOONS
    • CLASSIFIEDS
    • CLICKBAIT
    • OBITUARY
    • POSTAL LORE
    • SPONSOR
  • ARTS
    • CULTURE
    • DESIGN
      • ARCHITECTURE
      • CRAFTS
    • ENTERTAINMENT
    • FASHION
      • FOOTWEAR
    • MUSIC
  • MONEY
    • BUSINESS
      • CONSUMER
      • MARKETING
      • OFFICE
      • PRODUCTIVITY
    • LEGAL
    • MEDIA
      • JOURNALISM
      • SOCIAL MEDIA
    • MILITARY
  • LIFE
    • ANIMALS
      • CATS
      • DOGS
      • EQUINE INTEREST
    • EDUCATION
    • FOOD
      • DINING
    • GARDEN
      • TREE CARE
    • HEALTH
      • EYECARE
      • FEAR
      • GROOMING
      • SAFETY
    • HISTORY
    • LIVING
      • GAMES
      • LITERATURE
      • PHILOSOPHY
      • TRAVEL
    • TEENS
  • METRO
    • CRIME
    • TRAFFIC
    • WEATHER
  • OPINION
    • EDITORIAL
    • CONSPIRACY
  • POLITICS
    • ESPIONAGE
  • SCITECH
    • ENERGY
    • ENVIRONMENT
    • MATH
    • SCIENCE
      • ARCHAEOLOGY
      • ASTRONOMY
        • ASTROBIOLOGY
      • CLIMATE
      • EVOLUTION
      • GEOGRAPHY
      • GEOLOGY
      • MARITIME
      • NUCLEAR
      • PALEONTOLOGY
      • PARANORMAL
        • CRYPTOZOOLOGY
        • TIMETRAVEL
    • SPACE
    • TECH
  • SPORTS
  • MORE
    • ABOUT
    • AUTO
    • CARTOONS
    • CLASSIFIEDS
    • CLICKBAIT
    • OBITUARY
    • POSTAL LORE
    • SPONSOR
Breaking News:
  • Message from parallel universe: “Stop sending socks”
  • Business relationship enters plain old paper clip phase
  • Today’s Weather: All over the map
  • Crappy lo-fi album released in HD audio for some reason
  • Burglar monetizes residence
  • Comet orbits prone to hyperbole
  • Satellite launch delayed by gravity
  • Mentos truck crashes into Diet Coke bottling plant
  • This man fights an alligator, and you won’t believe wh– actually, it’s pretty straightforward what happens next
  • Ape learns sign language, asks researchers to shut up
The Post News Times
  • ARTS
    • CULTURE
    • DESIGN
      • ARCHITECTURE
      • CRAFTS
    • ENTERTAINMENT
    • FASHION
      • FOOTWEAR
    • MUSIC
  • MONEY
    • BUSINESS
      • CONSUMER
      • MARKETING
      • OFFICE
      • PRODUCTIVITY
    • LEGAL
    • MEDIA
      • JOURNALISM
      • SOCIAL MEDIA
    • MILITARY
  • LIFE
    • ANIMALS
      • CATS
      • DOGS
      • EQUINE INTEREST
    • EDUCATION
    • FOOD
      • DINING
    • GARDEN
      • TREE CARE
    • HEALTH
      • EYECARE
      • FEAR
      • GROOMING
      • SAFETY
    • HISTORY
    • LIVING
      • GAMES
      • LITERATURE
      • PHILOSOPHY
      • TRAVEL
    • TEENS
  • METRO
    • CRIME
    • TRAFFIC
    • WEATHER
  • OPINION
    • EDITORIAL
    • CONSPIRACY
  • POLITICS
    • ESPIONAGE
  • SCITECH
    • ENERGY
    • ENVIRONMENT
    • MATH
    • SCIENCE
      • ARCHAEOLOGY
      • ASTRONOMY
        • ASTROBIOLOGY
      • CLIMATE
      • EVOLUTION
      • GEOGRAPHY
      • GEOLOGY
      • MARITIME
      • NUCLEAR
      • PALEONTOLOGY
      • PARANORMAL
        • CRYPTOZOOLOGY
        • TIMETRAVEL
    • SPACE
    • TECH
  • SPORTS
  • MORE
    • ABOUT
    • AUTO
    • CARTOONS
    • CLASSIFIEDS
    • CLICKBAIT
    • OBITUARY
    • POSTAL LORE
    • SPONSOR
  • ARTS
    • CULTURE
    • DESIGN
      • ARCHITECTURE
      • CRAFTS
    • ENTERTAINMENT
    • FASHION
      • FOOTWEAR
    • MUSIC
  • MONEY
    • BUSINESS
      • CONSUMER
      • MARKETING
      • OFFICE
      • PRODUCTIVITY
    • LEGAL
    • MEDIA
      • JOURNALISM
      • SOCIAL MEDIA
    • MILITARY
  • LIFE
    • ANIMALS
      • CATS
      • DOGS
      • EQUINE INTEREST
    • EDUCATION
    • FOOD
      • DINING
    • GARDEN
      • TREE CARE
    • HEALTH
      • EYECARE
      • FEAR
      • GROOMING
      • SAFETY
    • HISTORY
    • LIVING
      • GAMES
      • LITERATURE
      • PHILOSOPHY
      • TRAVEL
    • TEENS
  • METRO
    • CRIME
    • TRAFFIC
    • WEATHER
  • OPINION
    • EDITORIAL
    • CONSPIRACY
  • POLITICS
    • ESPIONAGE
  • SCITECH
    • ENERGY
    • ENVIRONMENT
    • MATH
    • SCIENCE
      • ARCHAEOLOGY
      • ASTRONOMY
        • ASTROBIOLOGY
      • CLIMATE
      • EVOLUTION
      • GEOGRAPHY
      • GEOLOGY
      • MARITIME
      • NUCLEAR
      • PALEONTOLOGY
      • PARANORMAL
        • CRYPTOZOOLOGY
        • TIMETRAVEL
    • SPACE
    • TECH
  • SPORTS
  • MORE
    • ABOUT
    • AUTO
    • CARTOONS
    • CLASSIFIEDS
    • CLICKBAIT
    • OBITUARY
    • POSTAL LORE
    • SPONSOR

All posts in POLITICS

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit
LEGAL

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit

November 25, 2020

ALLENTOWN, PA – President Trump’s campaign legal team is continuing to criss-cross the nation in futile efforts to overturn the

Read More »
Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article
BREAKINGNEWS

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

May 10, 2019

NEW YORK, NY – A lengthy article published today promised an explosive revelation that pertains to millions of readers. But

Read More »
Trump Refuses To Show Taxes To IRS
CRIME

Trump Refuses To Show Taxes To IRS

May 9, 2019

WASHINGTON, DC – U.S. President Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows today by announcing that he will not comply with demands

Read More »
Secret Reptilian Government: Sorry About All This
CLIMATE

Secret Reptilian Government: Sorry About All This

April 21, 2018

WASHINGTON, DC – The extraterrestrial reptilian society that is secretly controlling all world governments from behind the scenes has issued

Read More »
Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate
POLITICS

Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate

March 23, 2018

OSTRUM, MD – Pundits are raising alarms at the rapid rate of staff loss in the William G. Wonka administration.

Read More »
Hardened cynics having trouble keeping up
LIFE

Hardened cynics having trouble keeping up

March 21, 2018

“I’ve been angry, jaded, cynical, paranoid and just generally over it for decades now, but it feels like these days

Read More »
Pot Roast Embroiled in Scandal
FOOD

Pot Roast Embroiled in Scandal

March 12, 2018

WELLINGTON – A three pound pot roast found itself in the hot seat today when investigators grilled it for several

Read More »
Protest to bring back incandescent light draws millions
ENERGY

Protest to bring back incandescent light draws millions

February 26, 2018

GAINESVILLE, MO – Protesters numbering in the millions staged a fly-in at locations across the country last night, demanding the

Read More »
11 Songs That Aren’t About What You Think. #4 Blew Me Away!
DOGS

11 Songs That Aren’t About What You Think. #4 Blew Me Away!

January 25, 2017

There are songs we’ve heard all our lives and thought we knew what they meant. Here are eleven that have

Read More »
New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging
LEGAL

New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging

December 30, 2016

ARIZONA – The incoming Trump administration’s promise to build a wall covering the entire U.S.-Mexico border will consist of hard

Read More »
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
Popular
Department of Vague Admonitions issues warning
ASTROBIOLOGY

Department of Vague Admonitions issues warning

Mulligan Stewart May 27, 2015

BELTSVILLE, MD – The U.S. Department of Vague Admonitions (DVA) has issued an urgent bulletin, the contents of which are not

Old Faithful threatens to move if it doesn’t get new facility
BUSINESS

Old Faithful threatens to move if it doesn’t get new facility

Mulligan Stewart June 3, 2015

PARK COUNTY, WY – Yellowstone National Park’s most famous geyser Old Faithful could become Toronto’s or Richmond’s Old Faithful if

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
Follow on Instagram

postnewstimes

All the news that fits.
The Post News Times provides sardonic reportage for the perspicacious reader.

REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
Load More... Follow on Instagram
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Popular
Groomba robot shaves while you sleep
London Transport launches first open-top airliner tour
Oh, NOW Motorist Wants to Speed Up
Radio telescope opening garage doors on distant planets
NEWS TICKER
  • Tickle Your Ribs with Strickland Propagne
  • Three things in your kitchen that might be killing you – #3 made my jaw drop!
  • Neighborhood hit by outbreak of Stuccococcus
  • Math teachers to introduce diverse viewpoints
  • Chicken Pot Pie To Be Used As Energy Storage Medium
  • Hamster tycoon purchases Mall of America
  • New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang
  • Wonka Administration criticized for high turnover rate
  • Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence
  • Spacewalk goes awry for Shuttle mascot
About Us

The Post News Times is the greater metro area’s premiere reporting authority on ersatz, superfluous and/or sardonic news. Our copy desk features a weaponized thesaurus.

Sponsors
Salty Sugar Fat
Salty Sugar Fat
Salty Sugar Fat
Stompinator
Stompinator
Stompinator
Burger Shanty
Burger Shanty
Burger Shanty
Beanie Behemoths
Beanie Behemoths
Beanie Behemoths
Pepsi Coke™
Pepsi Coke™
Pepsi Coke™
Hospitala Convenience Store Health Care
Hospitala Convenience Store Health Care
Hospitala Convenience Store Health Care
Topo Grigiot Vineyards
Topo Grigiot Vineyards
Topo Grigiot Vineyards
Crispy Wheat Polygons
Crispy Wheat Polygons
Crispy Wheat Polygons
Escher Sketch
Escher Sketch
Escher Sketch
Crocs Suit
Crocs Suit
Crocs Suit
Whoop-Ass
Whoop-Ass
Whoop-Ass
Cabin Monkey 2: The Reckoning
Cabin Monkey 2: The Reckoning
Cabin Monkey 2: The Reckoning
Sudokia
Sudokia
Sudokia
Mime-A-Way
Mime-A-Way
Mime-A-Way
Useless Crap
Useless Crap
Useless Crap
Kenickie Fried Chicken
Kenickie Fried Chicken
Kenickie Fried Chicken
Grab My Junk
Grab My Junk
Grab My Junk
PopSickle
PopSickle
PopSickle
Bluetooth Patch
Bluetooth Patch
Bluetooth Patch
Silent Dog Bell
Silent Dog Bell
Silent Dog Bell
Chico’s Bail Bonds
Chico’s Bail Bonds
Chico’s Bail Bonds
Gnocchia Edible Phone
Gnocchia Edible Phone
Gnocchia Edible Phone
TreeActiv Solution
TreeActiv Solution
TreeActiv Solution
?
?
?
Asbest-O’s Cereal
Asbest-O’s Cereal
Asbest-O’s Cereal
Chemtrails
Chemtrails
Chemtrails
Store Brand Ketchup
Store Brand Ketchup
Store Brand Ketchup
Red Bull Milk of Magnesia
Red Bull Milk of Magnesia
Red Bull Milk of Magnesia
omnis nuntium apto
© Post News Times
Scroll to top