WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in LEGAL

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit
LEGAL

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit

November 25, 2020

ALLENTOWN, PA – President Trump’s campaign legal team is continuing to criss-cross the nation in futile efforts to overturn the

Read More »
Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence
CRIME

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

November 18, 2018

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial

Read More »
Bigfoot names Discovery Channel, Animal Planet in harassment lawsuit
CRYPTOZOOLOGY

Bigfoot names Discovery Channel, Animal Planet in harassment lawsuit

January 2, 2017

EAST GREENWICH, RI – An individual purporting to be the legendary Bigfoot of folklore has filed a harassment suit against

Read More »
Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt
CRIME

Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt

January 2, 2017

CINCINNATI, OH – A federal appeals court has just ruled that grainy, slow-motion footage of arrested suspects being paraded before

Read More »
New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging
LEGAL

New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging

December 30, 2016

ARIZONA – The incoming Trump administration’s promise to build a wall covering the entire U.S.-Mexico border will consist of hard

Read More »
National Guard deployed to allow same-sex wedding to go forward
BREAKINGNEWS

National Guard deployed to allow same-sex wedding to go forward

June 26, 2015

PAXTON, TX – President Obama sent National Guard troops accompany the wedding of Ellen Turing and Gertrude Buchanan, over the

Read More »
Texas dog issued first ever K9 open carry permit
CULTURE

Texas dog issued first ever K9 open carry permit

June 1, 2015

HOLLOW POINT, TX – A Bordeaux Mastiff named Oswald has been granted the first ever permit for a canine to

Read More »
Crosswalk buttons now accepting credit cards
CRIME

Crosswalk buttons now accepting credit cards

May 27, 2015

SKINNING, MI –  Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Maybe it didn’t have its credit card. Pedestrians, however, have

Read More »
City Council considers removal of Street Seesaw
LEGAL

City Council considers removal of Street Seesaw

May 8, 2015

SHORELINE, FL – City council members vote today on a proposal to remove the beloved seesaw on Lagoon Boulevard. Concerned

Read More »
Whistleblower reveals that 75% of nautical terms made up on the spot
CULTURE

Whistleblower reveals that 75% of nautical terms made up on the spot

April 29, 2015

PAPEETE – A former sailor has broken the code of silence among his peers by disclosing that most of the

Read More »
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Inhofe takes rock to Senate floor to disprove earthquakes
ENERGY

Inhofe takes rock to Senate floor to disprove earthquakes

Mulligan Stewart January 27, 2016

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma addressed the Senate today with a rock to demonstrate that the

To SK8 is not a crime; V&alism is
CRIME

To SK8 is not a crime; V&alism is

Mulligan Stewart March 11, 2008

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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