WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in MORE

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit
LEGAL

Trump Campaign Still Launching Election Fraud Lawsuits Out Of Sheer Habit

November 25, 2020

ALLENTOWN, PA – President Trump’s campaign legal team is continuing to criss-cross the nation in futile efforts to overturn the

Read More »
Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article
BREAKINGNEWS

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

May 10, 2019

NEW YORK, NY – A lengthy article published today promised an explosive revelation that pertains to millions of readers. But

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Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence
CRIME

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

November 18, 2018

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial

Read More »
Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture
CLICKBAIT

Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture

October 17, 2018

HELSINKI –

Read More »
Report: News stories practically impossible to read anymore
CLICKBAIT

Report: News stories practically impossible to read anymore

March 15, 2018

Current trends have rendered modern media non-navigable in terms of selecting and understanding content, say scholars. Be sure to like,

Read More »
Bet you thought this was going somewhere
CLICKBAIT

Bet you thought this was going somewhere

February 26, 2018

LOVELAND, CO – When a post on a prestigious news blog began with a striking sideways image of a roadside

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Bigfoot names Discovery Channel, Animal Planet in harassment lawsuit
CRYPTOZOOLOGY

Bigfoot names Discovery Channel, Animal Planet in harassment lawsuit

January 2, 2017

EAST GREENWICH, RI – An individual purporting to be the legendary Bigfoot of folklore has filed a harassment suit against

Read More »
Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt
CRIME

Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt

January 2, 2017

CINCINNATI, OH – A federal appeals court has just ruled that grainy, slow-motion footage of arrested suspects being paraded before

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New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging
LEGAL

New border wall to be made of indestructible plastic packaging

December 30, 2016

ARIZONA – The incoming Trump administration’s promise to build a wall covering the entire U.S.-Mexico border will consist of hard

Read More »
This man fights an alligator, and you won’t believe wh– actually, it’s pretty straightforward what happens next
CLICKBAIT

This man fights an alligator, and you won’t believe wh– actually, it’s pretty straightforward what happens next

January 19, 2016

FLORIDA – To the astonishment of exactly no one, the man pictured above was attacked and devoured by alligators moments

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Economically depressed galaxy resorts to banner ads for revenue
ASTROBIOLOGY

Economically depressed galaxy resorts to banner ads for revenue

Mulligan Stewart May 2, 2013

PINWHEEL GALAXY – In a galaxy far, far away, times are hard. Residents of the Pinwheel Galaxy have tapped out

International Space Station of Pancakes to open soon
DINING

International Space Station of Pancakes to open soon

Mulligan Stewart May 24, 2008

THERMOSPHERE – Breakfast enthusiasts will soon have an out-of-this world choice: The International Space Station of Pancakes, or ISSOP. Renovation

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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