WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in CRIME

Companies Scrambling To Get In On Data Breach
CONSUMER

Companies Scrambling To Get In On Data Breach

May 13, 2019

LANSING, MI – Corporate leaders around the country are falling over themselves to take part in the latest massive breach

Read More »
Trump Refuses To Show Taxes To IRS
CRIME

Trump Refuses To Show Taxes To IRS

May 9, 2019

WASHINGTON, DC – U.S. President Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows today by announcing that he will not comply with demands

Read More »
Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence
CRIME

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

November 18, 2018

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial

Read More »
Red collar crime at historic lows
CRIME

Red collar crime at historic lows

February 26, 2018

ASHEVILLE , NC – Incidents of red collar crime are at their lowest levels since record keeping began, according to

Read More »
Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt
CRIME

Slow-motion clips of perp walks to be admitted as evidence of guilt

January 2, 2017

CINCINNATI, OH – A federal appeals court has just ruled that grainy, slow-motion footage of arrested suspects being paraded before

Read More »
Drug cartels moving over to printer ink
BUSINESS

Drug cartels moving over to printer ink

January 19, 2016

CUIDAD SIEMJUAQUE – Faced with falling demand, several drug cartels are transitioning their operations over to more expensive printer ink.

Read More »
Crosswalk buttons now accepting credit cards
CRIME

Crosswalk buttons now accepting credit cards

May 27, 2015

SKINNING, MI –  Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Maybe it didn’t have its credit card. Pedestrians, however, have

Read More »
Department of Vague Admonitions issues warning
ASTROBIOLOGY

Department of Vague Admonitions issues warning

May 27, 2015

BELTSVILLE, MD – The U.S. Department of Vague Admonitions (DVA) has issued an urgent bulletin, the contents of which are not

Read More »
Embattled politician blames troubles on getting caught
CRIME

Embattled politician blames troubles on getting caught

March 2, 2009

WASHINGTON – Congressman Wayne Clipper of the 6th district solidly placed the blame of his current woes on the discovery

Read More »
Earthworms up all night from coffee in compost
CRIME

Earthworms up all night from coffee in compost

December 31, 2008

ANNELIDOPOLIS – A community of worms has been in a constant state of sleeplessness since nearby residents began adding coffee

Read More »
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Airlines to charge additional fee for carrion luggage
TRAVEL

Airlines to charge additional fee for carrion luggage

Mulligan Stewart June 12, 2008

Gluten Sensitivity Utterance Apoplexy recognized as new disorder
FOOD

Gluten Sensitivity Utterance Apoplexy recognized as new disorder

Mulligan Stewart January 27, 2016

MELBOURNE, MN – While scientific study is still ongoing over the issue of whether or not Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity (NCGS)

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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Software patch that will fix your phone no longer available
Archerfish kicked out of saloon
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Satellite launch delayed by gravity
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