WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in JOURNALISM

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article
BREAKINGNEWS

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

May 10, 2019

NEW YORK, NY – A lengthy article published today promised an explosive revelation that pertains to millions of readers. But

Read More »
Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture
CLICKBAIT

Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture

October 17, 2018

HELSINKI –

Read More »
Test post more interesting than actual content, part 2
DESIGN

Test post more interesting than actual content, part 2

March 29, 2018

DENVER, CO – With a test post meant only to verify the connectivity between the main page and a social

Read More »
Test post more interesting than actual content
JOURNALISM

Test post more interesting than actual content

March 29, 2018

DENVER, CO – With a test post meant only to verify the connectivity between the main page and a social

Read More »
Report: News stories practically impossible to read anymore
CLICKBAIT

Report: News stories practically impossible to read anymore

March 15, 2018

Current trends have rendered modern media non-navigable in terms of selecting and understanding content, say scholars. Be sure to like,

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Fake news story wins Pulitzer Prize
JOURNALISM

Fake news story wins Pulitzer Prize

January 3, 2017

NEW YORK, NY – The Pulitzer Prize Committee at Columbia University has awarded the Pulitzer Prize to a fake news

Read More »
Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band
ARTS

Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band

February 2, 2009

VIENNA, NE – The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra responded sharply to the group’s characterization in local media as a “cover band”.

Read More »
Voters recovering from CNNosis, MSNBCmia, SmallFOX
HEALTH

Voters recovering from CNNosis, MSNBCmia, SmallFOX

November 6, 2008

ATLANTA – Weary voters and viewers of cable news channels are slowly getting over record numbers of ailments such as

Read More »
Microwaved CD reviews better than original
JOURNALISM

Microwaved CD reviews better than original

September 22, 2008

BRIGHTON – A microwaved copy of the CD “Hooked on Prog” was accidentally submitted to a reviewer and received higher

Read More »
Second half of article plagiarizes first half
JOURNALISM

Second half of article plagiarizes first half

August 25, 2008

SCRAPERTON – The first half of a blog post written by one author was copied and reprinted in whole as

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Imaginary fight erupts over parking space
LIFE

Imaginary fight erupts over parking space

Mulligan Stewart November 4, 2008

MITTYVILLE – A knock-down drag-out brawl broke out in the imagination of motorist Dave Van Bronks over the perceived theft

Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts
UNCATEGORIZED

Hansel And Gretel Secure Path Home By Replacing Bread Crumbs With Circus Peanuts

Mulligan Stewart November 16, 2020

IRGENDWOHIN, GERMANY – The two children of a poor woodcutter have solved the problem of vanishing bread crumbs by using

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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Scavenger Lobby protests declining quality, volume of scraps
Microwaved CD reviews better than original
Airlines to charge additional fee for carrion luggage
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NEWS TICKER
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  • Message from parallel universe: “Stop sending socks”
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  • Bully not so big from outer space
  • Offshore banks threatened by rising seas
  • PopSickle recalled
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