WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in FOOD

Chicken Pot Pie To Be Used As Energy Storage Medium
ENERGY

Chicken Pot Pie To Be Used As Energy Storage Medium

November 12, 2020

STILLWATER, NV – Researchers have solved an age-old problem in energy production with an age-old solution: Chicken pot pie. “The

Read More »
Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits
CULTURE

Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits

February 4, 2020

NEW YORK – A tourist to New York City reports that he was unsuccessful in his search for a properly

Read More »
Power Struggle At Bake Sale Turns Ugly
FOOD

Power Struggle At Bake Sale Turns Ugly

January 10, 2020

MILFORD – A battle of wills took place this afternoon at the Milford Ladies’ League bake sale, leading to some

Read More »
Mother’s Day Relaxing Mostly For Non-Mothers
CULTURE

Mother’s Day Relaxing Mostly For Non-Mothers

May 11, 2019

GRAFTON, WV – Mother’s Day, the annual celebration in May for mothers and their influence in society, is often a

Read More »
Squirrel Wants To Know If You’re Going To Eat That
CONSUMER

Squirrel Wants To Know If You’re Going To Eat That

May 9, 2019

CHARLOTTE, NC – An adorable squirrel is watching from a cautious distance while you eat your lunch on the park

Read More »
Decades Later, No Progress On Brussels Sprouts Preference
FOOD

Decades Later, No Progress On Brussels Sprouts Preference

April 20, 2018

PLYMOUTH, IA – A man in his fifties continues to refuse to eat Brussels sprouts, despite continued efforts by family

Read More »
Opinion: There Was A Time You Could Remove The Paper From A Drinking Straw With Just A Jab On The Table
FOOD

Opinion: There Was A Time You Could Remove The Paper From A Drinking Straw With Just A Jab On The Table

April 15, 2018

OPINION BY HENRY L. OGLETHORPE – You younger folks won’t believe me, but when I was your age, the paper

Read More »
Restaurant Employee Sent To Find, Thaw Out The Veggie Burger
DINING

Restaurant Employee Sent To Find, Thaw Out The Veggie Burger

April 4, 2018

TOPEKA, KS – Everything came to a standstill at Burger Shanty this afternoon when a customer ordered the veggie burger

Read More »
Meat industry formally adopts “may also contain” labeling
CONSUMER

Meat industry formally adopts “may also contain” labeling

March 29, 2018

Producers of beef, pork and other meat products have begun listing more specific ingredients that occasionally appear in the mix.

Read More »
Coca-Cola attracts younger market with “Pepsi Coke”
CONSUMER

Coca-Cola attracts younger market with “Pepsi Coke”

March 29, 2018

Coke has been tinkering for years with a formula to compete with Pepsi, and now they’ve taken it to the

Read More »
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Popular
No man is an island, but some can be real atolls
OPINION

No man is an island, but some can be real atolls

Mulligan Stewart October 1, 2008

Study finds guy in gorilla suit admitted pretty much anywhere
CULTURE

Study finds guy in gorilla suit admitted pretty much anywhere

Mulligan Stewart April 29, 2013

KONGSBERG – A recent study by the Väärennetty Institute shows that a guy dressed in a gorilla suit can gain entry

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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