WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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All posts in EDUCATION

Every U.S. Zip Code in one handy chart
ADMIN

Every U.S. Zip Code in one handy chart

April 28, 2015
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Volcano Council reminds users to replenish vinegar and baking soda every 30 days
EDUCATION

Volcano Council reminds users to replenish vinegar and baking soda every 30 days

April 15, 2014

MEDFORD, OR – The Volcano Council has issued new recommendations for volcano operators, specifying 30 days as the interval for

Read More »
Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
DOGS

Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

June 10, 2008

CROSSVILLE, TN – Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry this happened. We always assumed that you would figure out facts

Read More »
Luddite Googles “Ironic”
CULTURE

Luddite Googles “Ironic”

June 3, 2008

MORISSETTE – Les Anstey, a zealous opponent of modern technology, visited search engine Google.com today to search for a definition

Read More »
Math teachers to introduce diverse viewpoints
EDUCATION

Math teachers to introduce diverse viewpoints

May 26, 2008

DAWKINS, GA – The Dawkins County Board of Education has introduced new standards for math curricula, providing alternative explanations of

Read More »
Reunion reminds classmates why they never interacted in high school
EDUCATION

Reunion reminds classmates why they never interacted in high school

May 20, 2008

CRESTFALL – Graduates at Crestfall High’s 1998 class reunion refreshed their memory as to why they never communicated, socialized, hung

Read More »
Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines
EDUCATION

Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines

May 6, 2008

HOVINDA – A mother caught her 15-year-old boy Tuesday with dozens of publications that describe in explicit detail the theoretical

Read More »
Gullibility Analysis Workshop $399 this week only
BUSINESS

Gullibility Analysis Workshop $399 this week only

April 12, 2008

PENSACOLA – For a limited time, JankyPower is offering a reduced-price workshop to help you assess your gullibility factor, or

Read More »
Nature documentary soundtrack a little suggestive
EDUCATION

Nature documentary soundtrack a little suggestive

March 27, 2008

ATTENBOROUGH, IOWA – The music accompanying the mating ritual scene of a documentary film on water buffalo crossed the boundary

Read More »
Bully not so big from outer space
EDUCATION

Bully not so big from outer space

January 23, 2008

BLOOMINGBURG – Fourth grade bully Tommy Wrennik is the “big man on campus” on the playground, but disappears altogether when

Read More »
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Budget Ninja makes mythical warrior capabilities affordable
BUSINESS

Budget Ninja makes mythical warrior capabilities affordable

Mulligan Stewart August 19, 2009

SEARCHLIGHT, NV – Stealthy practitioners of the deadly ancient art of ninjitsu are both expensive and hard to find, but

Man on street asked opinion on economy as if relevant
BUSINESS

Man on street asked opinion on economy as if relevant

Mulligan Stewart October 10, 2008

MIDVALE – A passerby was asked for his thoughts and recommendations on the current economic crisis under the pretense that

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The Post News Times provides sardonic reportage for the perspicacious reader.

REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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