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All posts in MUSIC

Music Industry To Crack Down On Performance-Enhancing Substances
CULTURE

Music Industry To Crack Down On Performance-Enhancing Substances

May 15, 2019

LOS ANGELES – Amid accusations that some musicians may be doping to get ahead in the fiercely competitive world of

Read More »
Romantic Theme Just Main Theme Played Slower
ENTERTAINMENT

Romantic Theme Just Main Theme Played Slower

June 24, 2018

GADSDEN, AL – Moviegoers have discerned that the romantic theme music in the love scene is the same melody as

Read More »
Cat Orchestra Thrown Into Chaos By Conductor With Laser Baton
ARTS

Cat Orchestra Thrown Into Chaos By Conductor With Laser Baton

April 20, 2018

VIENNA, AUSTRIA – Venerated symphony orchestra conductor Delgato Calico lost all control over his performance with the Vienna Katzenorchester, a

Read More »
Noise caching headphones collect sound and amplify it directly into ears
CONSUMER

Noise caching headphones collect sound and amplify it directly into ears

March 14, 2018

VILNIUS, LITHUANIA – For several years, consumers have had the benefit of noise cancelling headphones. They filter out ambient sound

Read More »
Effort to download song escalates into computer reformat
MUSIC

Effort to download song escalates into computer reformat

March 13, 2018

OTTOWA – Music aficionado Mateo Hillsborough attempted to download a hard-to-find song from the Internet, and instead is now faced

Read More »
Song of the Day: Foghat, “Fluoride”
HEALTH

Song of the Day: Foghat, “Fluoride”

September 6, 2009

It’s always a good time to listen to Foghat’s 1975 anthem to dental care, “Fluoride”. Perhaps the only hit song

Read More »
Hammer and ‘Sicle
CARTOONS

Hammer and ‘Sicle

June 6, 2009
Read More »
Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band
ARTS

Symphony orchestra bristles at being called cover band

February 2, 2009

VIENNA, NE – The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra responded sharply to the group’s characterization in local media as a “cover band”.

Read More »
Microwaved CD reviews better than original
JOURNALISM

Microwaved CD reviews better than original

September 22, 2008

BRIGHTON – A microwaved copy of the CD “Hooked on Prog” was accidentally submitted to a reviewer and received higher

Read More »
Howurlitzer resolves bar conflicts
LIVING

Howurlitzer resolves bar conflicts

June 26, 2008

LEETSDALE, WY – A hybrid music player / artillery device has found a home at Brice’s Saloon, where patrons can

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Groundhog sees shadow in July, uncertain of next steps
WEATHER

Groundhog sees shadow in July, uncertain of next steps

Mulligan Stewart July 23, 2008

WAUNAKEE – The world-famous weather forecasting groundhog Waunakee Woodrow ran into some confusion today upon seeing his shadow. Through a

Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits
CULTURE

Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits

Mulligan Stewart February 4, 2020

NEW YORK – A tourist to New York City reports that he was unsuccessful in his search for a properly

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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