WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Burglar monetizes residence

EAST CULPEPPER – A forward-thinking property redistribution efficiency expert converted several resources from the home of a non-participating partner late Thursday night.

“He stole my stuff, is what he did,” said resource provider Randy Dawkins, age 41, apparently unhappy with the paradigm shift in his property.

“I managed the oversight of Mr. Dawkins’ material goods into liquid funds,” said Kayden Pfeiffer, on his way to the Ace Pawn Shop on Durrets Street. “These otherwise idle assets – a DVD player, HD television, an old laptop – these were just begging to be cross-ownershipped and monetized.”

Pfeiffer recently completed a course on corporate buzzwords as a condition of his parole.

“Synergy proactive Web 2.0 visionary leverage empowerment,” he added.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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