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Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

Saltaro, taking the stand last spring, denies knowing anything about vaults.

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial for the heist of MounteBank last fall.

Scene of the crime: MounteBank sits at the bottom of Gorge Canyon below a popular bungee jumping bridge.

“The evidence against my client was a stretch,” said Saltaro’s attorney Bob Springer. “We will push to have the charges dropped, but for now we’re satisfied that the judge’s original decision was upheld.”

“The state is let down by this outcome,” said lead prosecutor Dee Fenestra. “The defense strung the jury along with a rather elastic version of events, and our case never quite bounced back from that.”

Indeed, the jury was hung for a brief time and stretched their deliberations almost to the breaking point. The main point of contention was the leap of logic it took to believe that a bank robber had pulled off the a job from such a great height.

In his own defense, Saltaro held that he was merely hanging around the area at the time.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Friday night now also alright for fighting

Friday night now also alright for fighting

LONDON – Sir Elton John has issued an edict extending the appropriateness of fighting on Saturday night to include Friday

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW – You knew this day was coming. The clues were always there, and it’s all coming

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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