WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Brick passes window test

GATESTOWN, MD – Stringent trials of a new brick design have confirmed its window-worthiness, according to youths gathered in the area.

“Even with a small sample size, this particular model of brick meets every criteria,” said Brayden Hampden, a seventh grader who was participating in a self-selected truancy program at the Gatestown railyards. “We can say with certainty that these bricks will rise to the challenges of a vast range of paned glass.”

Hampden’s study group employed several windows at an abandoned steel mill in their research. Local authorities attempted to contact the group for further information, but Hampden and cohorts had moved quickly to a new line of research in another location.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Automated delivery bots still learning how to mangle packages

Automated delivery bots still learning how to mangle packages

FRANKLIN, DE – Delivery services such as FedEx and UPS still rely on human employees to get packages where they’re

More setbacks in testing and production of lead shower curtain

More setbacks in testing and production of lead shower curtain

GALENA – PlumBob Home Industries announced today that it has indefinitely suspended production of its lead shower curtain line. “We’ve

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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