WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Bloodbaths underrated, say parasites

NEW YORK – After a brutal week on Wall Street, one organization is looking at the bright side.

“People always speak of bloodbaths in a pejorative sense,” said Alvin Thorin, spokesperson for the Passenger Foundation, a think tank that represents the interests of the parasite community.

“We just want to point out that what may be a nightmarish situation for humans and other host animals is a boon for us.”

Speaking on behalf of mosquitoes, ticks, leeches, fleas and numerous other parasitic organisms, Thorin urged restraint in any response to the economic crisis.

“Don’t go selling off all your assets in a mad dash to get out of the market. Hold on to your cash, and don’t make impulse purchases like insect repellent, antibacterial soap or netting. Get outside and enjoy the beautiful wilderness. Seize the day and take that swim in the lake.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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