WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Blinker App Lets Drivers Use Turn Signals Without Looking Up

A lock screen widget enables use even when the phone is in safe driving mode.

VAN NUYS, CA – Software developer AvarijaTech has released an app for iOS and Android devices that allows drivers to change the turn indicators without taking their eyes off their phone.

Beta testing of the app was inconclusive due to lack of usable data retrieval.

“It’s a big inconvenience to reach all the way over to the steering column and hit the blinker when you’re checking email or writing a text,” said lead programmer Tanner Prentiss. “This app lets you keep working while you tune out distractions on the road, and you do the right thing by using your turn signals.”

Every department of transportation and law enforcement entity contacted for this story voiced stringent objection to the app, which is only US $1.99 and connects to newer automobiles via Bluetooth.

“It couldn’t be simpler to use,” said Prentiss. “Once it’s paired with the car, you just open the app and click left or right, and your turn signal goes on. Bingo – you can make turns or lane changes without diverting your glance to the road. There’s also a button for hazard lights in case of emergency.”

“It will only exacerbate an already deadly hazard in drivers who text behind the wheel,” said pretty much everyone aside from the app developers and the 120,000 or so customers who have already downloaded the app.

“Make no mistake, we will arrest anyone using this app,” said one state trooper, who admittedly has not yet tried the app.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Wrong name dropped at party

Wrong name dropped at party

MIDTOWN – Although he was unaware of it at the time, Rick from Sales picked the absolute worst name to

Hoo, Boy

Hoo, Boy

MEDFORD – Oh, man. I just… whew. It’s like, whoa. This isn’t even… I don’t know how to … sigh

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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