WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Bathroom candle overwhelmed

JACKSONVILLE, FL – A sandalwood-scented candle has succumbed to conditions in a local bathroom.

Apartment resident Liam Sairas reports that his roommate recently made use of the facilities, lighting the candle to help alleviate the atmospheric impact of his activity.

“The candle simply could not withstand the strain,” said Sairas, who wished to emphasize that the situation was a result of his roommate’s actions, not his own. “We’re going to have to let a couple hours pass before anyone can go in there.”

The bathroom is constructed in the interior of the apartment and has no fan or window access, complicating response capabilities. Several doors were closed and the hallway was evacuated as a precaution.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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