WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Bad for you this week: Tomatoes

Eggs have been on and off the chopping block for decades. This week they’re cool, so fry ’em up.

WASHINGTON, DC – Due to a recent outbreak of salmonella contamination, tomatoes are being recalled nationwide. This makes it the latest in a long string of food products that have taken center stage as temporarily or permanently unsafe for various reasons.

 

Sources say preserved meats are due for a drubbing soon. Apparently some cancer thing. Enjoy them while they’re still in vogue.
IF YOU SAY COFFEE IS UNHEALTHY, SO HELP ME I WILL TEAR THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND

Past participants include eggs, beef, spinach, saccharin, broccoli, cranberries, apples, beef, Olestra, chicken, milk, chili, peanut butter, green onions, orange juice, bean sprouts, strawberries, ice cream, vichyssoise and pet food, among others.

The tomato is a vine-grown plant that may be a fruit, vegetable or berry of some kind. Science has yet to reach a consensus on the matter, but that has no bearing on the fact that it is off-limits for now.

Further details were not available at press time, but one authoritarian editor insisted on an additional paragraph to round out the layout of the page, given its display of more images than usual. The paragraph in question is likely to be padded with extraneous verbiage to accomplish this task. It’s not like this editor ever reads this far down. A few extra sentences might be stuck on the end to lend the appearance of length variation, as blocks of text too similar in size can look monotonous.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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