WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Automated delivery bots still learning how to mangle packages

FRANKLIN, DE – Delivery services such as FedEx and UPS still rely on human employees to get packages where they’re going, but eventually most jobs like this will be phased out by automation.

One key factor holding back the revolution is that the robots haven’t quite perfected the art of twisting, crushing, folding and spindling parcels then throwing them at the front porch.

“It seems like a straightforward thing, deforming a box and flinging it in the direction of the right address,” said automation expert Rudy Bering. “The problem is that you have so many different sizes and densities of boxes and envelopes.”

We take it for granted that a person can size up a package and figure out immediately where and how to defeat its structural integrity. A robot, however, has a difficult time discerning the subtle differences between, say, a laptop ensconced in styrofoam and a rare book with protective wrapping.

“Sure, we could just apply the same vise grip approach to everything,” said Bering. “But that leaves us with a kind of uniformity that is unsatisfying. A human knows instinctively where the screen is, where the brittle corners are, which part to get wet but leave the shape roughly intact.”

Artificial intelligence training is underway to prepare tomorrow’s delivery bots to replace today’s delivery personnel. “The software is already good at reading ‘Fragile’ in any language and singling out that box for enhanced treatment.”

Bering is in negotiations with airlines to automate the baggage handling process.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Newly discovered molten planet named Psoriasis
ASTRONOMY

Newly discovered molten planet named Psoriasis

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the Mauna Kea Observatory have discovered a new, scaly, inflamed planet far from our Solar

Massive arrow threatens distant galaxy
ASTRONOMY

Massive arrow threatens distant galaxy

FRESNO – Amateur astronomers have discovered a vast pointer arrow looming disastrously close to a galaxy far, far away. Brothers

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top