WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Ape learns sign language, asks researchers to shut up

Rollo has also learned to make nonsensical word-like symbols that have researchers wondering if he could ever learn to write.

Rollo, a silverback gorilla who has learned to communicate via sign language, has requested that his keepers stop talking to him.

“We are amazed at the level of sophistication in his speech,” said primatologist Wayne Thorsen.

Last week, after six years of intensive training, Rollo asked the instructor, “Is lesson done?” to which the instructor answered “Yes”. Rollo then signed, “Great. Now buzz off.”

Researchers were thrilled and puzzled, then asking Rollo to clarify his statement. He said, “Want repeat everything last six years.”

“Really?”

“Teacher not very shiny.”

“We’re still not sure what he meant by ‘shiny’,” said Thorsen, “but we can’t wait to spend the next few years working with him on more advanced language concepts.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Jabba the Hutt captures Lincoln
BREAKINGNEWS

Jabba the Hutt captures Lincoln

MOS EISLEY – In a startling turn of events across space and time, crime boss Jabba the Hutt has captured

Memory loss linked to something
HEALTH

Memory loss linked to something

RALEIGH-DALTON – A study published in a prominent magazine made a conclusive link between memory loss and something that starts

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top