WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Ambassador to Alderaan dismissed abruptly

Conspiracy theorists speculate that Alderaan may have shot first.

NEW YORK, NY – Ambassador to Alderaan Christopher “Kit” Tosche found himself without a job today right in the middle of his lunch at a local cantina with private energy consultant Charles Bothan.

News reports came across television screens, showing the distant planet shattering violently. Bothan saw the video first and alerted Tosche, who stared in disbelief. Even after reading the headlines, he had difficulty grasping the reality of the situation.

“Maybe apply for Endor. I hear it’s a nice quiet system.”

“Thats what I’m trying to tell you, Kit. It ain’t there. It’s been totally blown away,” said Bothan. They went on to describe regional troubles and a trade dispute that might have led to the annihilation of the peaceful planet.

Tosche and Bothan sat quietly for much of the afternoon, reeling from the news and receiving a phone call telling Tosche that his services as ambassador were no longer needed. Bothan, who has lost several relatives in the region, vowed to strengthen his resolve in settling the conflict.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

3 Responses

  1. Kurt

    That picture looks like the cover of journey ‘escape’ but the spaceship is a squirrelhead. Did you just hear that? like the sound of millions of squirrels…chirping in the sunlight.

  2. Anonymous

    Or add a guitar and you have Boston’s first album.

  3. Anonymous

    But I do like the idea of millions of squirrels being suddenly silenced.

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