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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Amazing New Technology Generates Electrical Power From Cynicism

Researchers have achieved a revolutionary breakthrough that allows cynical impulses generated by humans to be converted into electrical energy.
Critics remain skeptical that the approach will yield useful results

EEYORE, AZ – Researchers have achieved a revolutionary breakthrough that allows cynical impulses generated by humans to be converted into electrical energy.

“It’s kind of a long shot, honestly,” said lead project manager Hayley Riggs of the Arizona Institute of Nebulous Technologies (AINT). “The concept is there, but who’s going to fund it? Not our investors, clearly.”

It probably takes four hours to power one of these dumb light bulbs.

Cynical Energy Production is not new, although it has remained in the development phase for several decades now.

“Only ten to twenty years away, just like it always is,” said Riggs. “Some oil company will probably buy us out and bury it anyway.”

The new technique involves capture of perturbations between Beta and Gamma waves in the brain, the result of which is a net output of about 3 volts, “Enough to power a decent sized calculator, as long as we’re talking about LCD and not one of those red light kind,” said Riggs.

Several hurdles remain before the technique can be brought to market.

Consumers are understandably dubious of claims that their cynicism could be turned into power. “What would I use it for anyway?” asked one respondent.

“The obvious acronym, Cynergy, is of course already in use by some company,” said Riggs. “Now we’ve got to figure out something else that works.”

There is also the problem of completing a working proof-of-concept.

“We’ve been using ourselves as test subjects to generate all that cynicism, and in the process it has made us quite doubtful that any of this will work.”

“Finding volunteers to participate in studies has been difficult. Anybody chipper enough to want to do this can’t get the wheel moving.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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