WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

4 Easy Steps for Confronting a Mountain Lion

LOS ANGELES, CA – City streets are dangerous enough as it is, without having to defend yourself against a wild mountain lion. If you should encounter one, remember these four handy tips:

  1. Moonwalk away slowly.
  2. Throw ya hands in the air like ya just don’t care.
  3. Offer a small child.
  4. If attacked, talk some smack.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Our legal department stringently advises us that one should not actually offer a small child, or anyone for that matter, to a mountain lion. In any case, if you are ever accosted by a mountain lion and have video of yourself moonwalking or smack-talking out of the situation, please contact us immediately.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

One Response

  1. Gary Piserchio

    Dude, take the graphics off the sign and they’re a “natural” for a t-shirt. And by natural I mean an abomination to nature. But still a funny t-shirt.

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

STALLVILLE – Thousands of commuters on their way home today encountered three of five lanes on the cross-town connector blocked off

Stereogram of carpet looks like slightly different carpet

Stereogram of carpet looks like slightly different carpet

Bring the stereogram (this image) close to your face. At this distance, you will be unable to focus, but that

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top